News Detail
Listening in Conversation
Reverend Holland delivered the following address in Chapel on Thursday, January 23. His words are shared here with his permission.
If you have been listening to the Headmaster you will know that there are three values, experiences, processes that he believes are at the heart of Shawnigan, and key to its future is Conversation.
If you have been listening to the Headmaster you will know that there are three values, experiences, processes that he believes are at the heart of Shawnigan, and key to its future is Conversation.
So I am going to take a few moments to stick in my two cents about what I think is at the heart of conversation. It is what makes conversation work and it is the single most important ingredient in the virtues of respect and compassion. It is generally considered to be a fundamental skill on the path of achieving spiritual enlightenment or emotional maturity, and most importantly for the chaps in the crowd, surveys show that it is consistently at the top of the list when women are asked what they find most attractive in a man. As important as this skill is, we rarely talk about it, and even more rarely teach it in school.
So what is this skill that is so powerful?
Let me answer with the following quote by the founder of Forbes magazine, Malcolm Forbes: “The art of conversation lies in listening."
You may say, uh, Rev, I know how to listen, I’ve been doing it all my life. In fact, sometimes I feel like all I ever do is listen to other people. I’m sitting here listening to you right now.” But are you . . . listening . . . really?
The kind of listening I want to talk about is not the garden variety kind of listening; simply pausing and taking a breath while someone else talks, or sitting in class or chapel and just waiting until it is over.
The kind of listening that can transform our lives is more than simply knowing how to recognize another person’s words; it is about really paying attention, really hearing what is being said, and even hearing beyond words to meaning.
When we speak to one another, we do so in code, in shorthand. The reason may be that we don’t fully trust one another, or maybe we don’t know for sure ourselves what we think or feel or want to communicate. But, whatever the reason, we rarely speak directly and immediately from our core. When we ask someone how they are, and they say, “Fine, I guess,” there is more that isn’t being said than is being said in that phrase.
Learning to listen effectively has a lot to do with knowing the difference between what is said and what is meant.
Listening is about more than interpreting a string of sounds, it is understanding the feelings and emotions and fears and hopes that are attached to those sounds.
Being able to hear what is really being said is a skill that all of us have to some extent, and that anyone can develop with a little work.
Scientists who have carried out research on the human mind say that as much as ninety-eight percent of what we hear we do not take in.
So why are we such ineffective listeners?
Well, here are a few reasons:
- In conversations, we are usually too busy thinking about what we are going to say to listen to the other person.
- We have our view of the world and how things are, and don’t want to hear something that is going to challenge our illusions about the way things are. We are happy to listen to the 2 percent of what we hear that agrees with our view of the world. The other 98 percent is easily blocked out.
- Listening is hard. It is, in fact, one of the hardest things. It takes concentration and discipline, and while the rewards of listening well are enormous, they are intangible; we can’t always see them right away, and if you are like me, laziness comes into the equation.
- Listening requires us to be still, and that is definitely an art that we are quickly losing.
- Listening requires us to set our ego aside. And . . . Well, forget that.
So, how do we become good listeners?
The trick is to remember to listen; to stop doing the things I just listed; to stop thinking about how we are going to respond to what we hear, and just hear it; to cultivate the ability to be still; to hold our ideas about right and wrong lightly enough that we can allow in other ideas and opinions
Listening is so important, that without it there simply is no conversation, just people having their own monologues. But listening doesn’t mean agreeing. Just because someone says something, even if they say it with passion, doesn’t mean we have to think they are right. And some voices are better not listened to.
I will end with this story, one of Peek-a-boo’s favourites, about when it might be better not to listen.
A group of cats were traveling through the woods, when two of them fell into a deep pit. The other cats gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep it was, they yelled down to the two cats that they were probably never going to get out.
The two cats who had fallen into the pit began jumping up with all their strength, but the cats gathered around the top of the pit just kept yelling down at them that they should give up. “You’ll never get out of there, just accept your fate. Don’t wear yourself out, it’s hopeless.” Finally, one of the cats that had fallen into the pit decided the cats at the top were right after all. It was hopeless. She stopped jumping and lay down on the floor of the pit and . .. . died. The other cat continued to jump as hard as she could. Once again, the crowd of cats yelled at her to stop the pain and just die. “Give it up” they said. You’ll never succeed.
She began jumping even harder and finally made it out. When she got out, the other cats said, "Didn’t you hear us?" The cat that had escaped explained to them that she was hard of hearing and she was jumping up to get nearer to them so she could hear what they were saying.
Part of being a really effective listener is deciding what is worth listening to and what is not. There is plenty of both in the world.
Being a good listener means being present. It is the best gift you can give to others and it can make life a lot more interesting, so the next time you are bored or down or feeling sorry for yourself, remember to listen, to look to pay attention not just to what is being said, but to what is being meant all around us.
We acknowledge with respect the Coast Salish Peoples on whose traditional lands and waterways we live, learn and play. We are grateful for the opportunity to share in this beautiful region, and we aspire to healthy and respectful relationships with those who have lived on and cared for these lands for millennia.
Shawnigan Lake School is an independent co-educational boarding school for ages 13 –18 on Canada’s beautiful Pacific Coast. Our diverse, interdisciplinary and innovative programming helps shape the next generation of global leaders.
